I have just consciously realised that I’ve become a social zombie.

While I can manage pleasant innocuous conversations, such as:

you: How are you?
me: I’m fine. How are you going?
you: well thanks. isn’t the weather lovely?
me: yeah… it’s nice out in the sun.

that’s about all I can manage.

I can’t quite bring myself to be interested in anyone, or anyone else’s life. My mind is either too preoccupied with the all-imposing, all-embracing, never-ending nature of my own work, i.e. the PhD, or I’m actively trying to blank out my mind, albeit temporarily, to the extent that I can’t activate my cerebral capacities to engage in anything more than the most mundane of conversations.

Conversely, I also don’t want to talk about myself right now. My life at the moment rotates around the PhD and that is far too depressing and stressful a subject to even broach. There are few things that might stand independently apart from the PhD, not even my relationship since any discussion of that will inevitably lead to discussions about the future and the future, unfortunately, is inherently bound up with the PhD. You might suggest “shopping”, an activity that I have previously very much enjoyed and revelled in but sadly, given the priority that needs to be accorded to the PhD right now, I can’t say that I’ve actually gone on a “proper” shopping trip in ages. I can barely squeeze out time to go buy groceries let alone indulge in a luxurious shopping expedition. If and when I do manage to find time to wander around the shops, the experience has been less than satisfactory for quite a while now given how distracted, nay colonised my mind is by the PhD.

So I find myself a social zombie, unable to converse, uninterested in asking about “you”, preferring instead to just sit and stare in silence.

Posted on May 28th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | 4 Comments »

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. It’s been difficult, if not outright impossible, to do so. On the one hand, I’d like to say that there is so much going on in my life right now but in reality, there is really only one thing that has dominated my entire existence for the past few months and will continue to do so for months to come: the PhD thesis.

I’ve started writing the long anticipated document. I have about a fifth of the 100,000 words required. It’s been a slow slog getting here but at least, I think I am moving in the right direction. Writing is harder than I thought it would be. A lot of effort and reading goes into every word that is produced and just when you think you might finally have a grasp on things, you discover that there is yet more to do. There is always more and more you could, and need, to do… It’s exasperating. It’s sometimes demoralising. It’s always tiring.
Read more…

Posted on May 21st, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Uncategorized, work | 5 Comments »

ask me not how i am
as you want not to really know

ask me not how i am
for i am not well

—

excerpts from emails I had recently sent…

On 14 March:

I went to bed at 4.30am after writing 800 words. That’s not so bad I suppose especially considering that I had 900 but decided to delete a paragraph as I thought it superfluous.

I think it says a lot about my state of mind, the state of my work, and the stage of my relationship that I’m actually delaying a trip to Sydney to squeeze in 3 hours worth of work…

I think I’ve all but pushed the emergency red button…

On 18 March:

I feel so uninspired.

I printed out the latest “version” of my theory paper and I can’t bear to look at it, mostly because I know what’s in it and it’s dire… there are quite a number of “gaps” in the paper that need to be addressed but there’s no way that I will be able to address them before this weekend as I had promised…

It’s depressing.

The work itself it not hard - it just takes time and effort, neither of which I have very much of right now.

I really should work…

On 25 March

I find that when I have my mind focussed on work, I am actually alright and quite “animated”. However, it is precisely trying to get to that stage that’s difficult and that causes me not a little anguish and pain. In fact, I’m despondent and depressed when I think about work and it’s very difficult getting over that threshold. Ironically once I am over it, I am sort of well… at least well enough to function at a steady pace…

The rain doesn’t look like it’s going to let up today. I’ve truly been in sync with the weather lately, or vice versa. I’ve really felt suicidal the last few days. I feel like I’ve been sentenced to a slow but certain death, the journey to which is one of excruciating and laborious pain…

Posted on March 26th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »

I haven’t been blogging… I haven’t much felt like it… I haven’t had anything I wanted to say… or rather, there have been things on my mind but I haven’t been able to find a way of articulating them in a sufficiently coherent manner so as to blog about them… The most I can manage is update my “status” (see the sidebar) regularly via Twitter.

That’s the state of my mind at the moment. And has been since I returned to Australia from fieldwork in mid-December 2007.

There are many things going on in my life right now and yet not very much. I’m busy with my research and the thesis. I spend most weekends with the boyfriend. And I’ve got a job this semester tutoring students in the Department’s Masters level programme. Life is full and yet monotonous. And yet… there is a palpable drama unfolding with each passing day that is not unlike the sentiments expressed here on Matt’s blog.

So… I haven’t been blogging. And I haven’t much felt like it.

Posted on March 10th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »

As if to underscore the sentiments I expressed in my previous post, I had the most God-awful morning yesterday.

BAD MALAYSIAN TRAFFIC
It all started when I thought that leaving my mum’s place at 9am for my temporary office in KL was going to be a good idea. I thought that I would be avoiding the morning rush-hour by leaving later and that it would take me about 20 minutes to drive to the office. I was wrong. I was ever so wrong because yesterday was the day that KL had one of its worst traffic snarls that went on for miles and miles and for hours and hours.

I noticed the unusually bad traffic just as I was coming out of the area where my mum lives and decided to take a detour and see if I might not drive into the city via a different route. Sadly, the alternative I had considered was equally bad. So, I thought I would run an errand instead.
Read more…

Posted on December 12th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Fieldwork | 4 Comments »